Dear New Life,

I might fall in love with you someday. But as you know, my heart is a devoted one. There are some things I cannot let go of easily, and that includes my dreams and my darkest desires of travel and uncharted adventure. Right now you stand for everything I wanted to avoid when I was growing up- Responsibility. Commitment. Entrapment. Right now I want nothing to do with you, as I'm sure you want nothing to do with me. All I know is that someday I will forget about all the things I once hoped for, and trade in those desires for newer, more user-friendly models. Perhaps the dream of a new car. Perhaps a down payment on a home. Rational, reasonable, essential things.

But sometimes, often when I'm alone and lonely, I can't help but think about what my future could have held. I might have chartered a sailboat across the Atlantic. I could have lived in various foreign countries. Perhaps I would have fallenl in love in a dozen different languages, and had my heart broken in two dozen more. I might have become a blackbelt in a martial art, perhaps even becoming an artist with a deeper ability to interpret life... or the lack thereof.

In short, I might have been somebody.

My failure, New Life, is not because of you. It is because I have failed to manipulate my future. I have achieved a great deal so far, learned entirely too much, and sampled the sweet taste of international freedom. I am aware that other wonderful victories shall present themselves, but alas, I am too focused on my temporary intellectual failure to really look forward to them.

Thank you for your patience while I learn to love what I have become.

Julie

On nights like this I can't help but daydream about the bubble tea shop that was next door to my apartment in China. Oh 24 hour bubble tea, how I miss you! It was nice to always have something to do, regardless of how late/early it was.

I really need to find a new hobby.

Do you ever have the feeling that something amazing is waiting for you around the corner?

I can't believe how fast time is flying. I have been in Redmond for a month now, and I have yet to completely unpack. Work flies by, I end up at home, exhausted but generally content... I drift off to bed, wake up, and start the day over again. It goes by too quickly for my enjoyment, but I just have this silly idea that something neat will come from this move/my job/graduation/life.

I only wish I didn't have to wait for it. :)

UARGH.

There are few things more frustrating in the world than having a day off and having no way of spending it. The roommate is at work, the boyfriend is studying, and I have yet to make any friends in the area. So that basically results in me feeling entirely too antsy, frustrated, and kinda lonely. I'm tired of looking at this stupid computer screen for entertainment. Refresh Craigslist. Refresh LJ. Post on Blogdrive. Shoot self in head.

Well, maybe not so much the last one, but it does seem entertaining given the other options.

Today has a lot of potential. The sun is shining, I woke up an hour earlier than planned, and I had rocky road ice cream for breakfast.

May all the rocks in your life be as those found in Rocky Road.

Sweet, squishy, and tasting like chocolate.

It's been a long time since this page has seen some serious action. Hence, the new format... and soon my pretties, things shall pick up again. Lately I've just been out of things to write about. Though I'm experiencing a lot of new things and I'm at an exciting stage in my life, none of it seems relevant to the blogworld. I'll sit in front of my computer screen, trying to articulate something better... Those of you who check this page deserve something that isn't totally crap to read... but alas, crap is all I can muster up.

I'm still not unpacked. Most of my belongings are in two rather large piles on opposite sides of my bedroom. Once I get it through my head that I'll be staying in ONE location for more than 2 months, I'm sure that my stuff will find a nice and efficient way of organizing itself.

I was lucky enough to meet Val's aunt Bev today, she seems like an amazing lady. She's a VW bus fanatic, and has an incredible amount of spunk. The women on his father's side of the family seem to be really strong and independent... the kind that would either save you or destroy you in a kung fu fight.

Speaking of kung fu, we had the most amazing Asian date on Friday. Sushi, bubble tea, AND Kung Fu Hustle.



It was such a great movie- completely different from what I expected... It turned out to be rather sweet in the end.

I've been without the internet for a while now, but I assure you, I'm still alive! I moved my butt over to Redmond, and I've been a workaholic, a sleepaholic, *and* a Valaholic. There's only 24 hours to a day I've discovered, and there's just not enough time to do everything.

Work is awesome, although currently I'm a little stressed. I've been assigned five essay questions and I'll be tested in both my written and verbal knowledge of a select line of products tomorrow morning. I've also been busy making spreadsheets and trying to organize company information as well as pulling in 48 hours a week. It'll be great when my schedule is finally settled- I would love to have two days off in a row. I haven't had much time to myself as of late.

Valere and I had our 6 month anniversary yesterday, I was accosted with yet another dozen of roses. My life is soooo rough. ;)

Anyway, I hope everyone else's life is as good as mine at the moment. Stay strong, be brave, and wait for the signs.

I'm disappointed in myself for a lot of reasons, but lately I've been such an idiot that I'm driving myself crazy. What scares me is that for every bad mood and for every mean thing I say, I attribute my actions to something trivial... I'm tired, I'm stressed, I'm on the pill, I'm hungry.... And while those reasons may have something to do with it, I know that it's more than that. I'm really beginning to think that I'm just simply an unfit person to be in a relationship.

It brings me to the Seinfield episode where they mention that only 5% of the population is worth dating- I'm simply not part of that percentage. I'm trivial and emotional and terrified. Add a low self-esteem to that equation and you have a recipe for relationship disaster. I am a walking train wreck. Put me with the guy of my dreams and give me a few months- I will pick apart everything and nitpick until I find something wrong, something to obsess over, something to blame.

I graduated on the 16th.

My first week of full time glory at ATB was a success. I fit in well, and I'm able to help a lot of people and their fuzzy companions, and from what I hear on a daily basis from my coworkers is that my learning curve is impressive. It's a relaxed atmosphere, and I come home happy and not feeling like I've wasted 8 more hours of my life... I don't think I could have ever imagined I'd find a job that would make me happy and would pay me enough to survive. It's a nice feeling. :)

Trevor and I scored an apartment in Redmond. Two bedroom, two bath, and at this very moment new carpet is being installed. I can't wait to move away from this place, and I'm so happy that Trevor will be my roomie... The U-District has been an interesting place to live, but I'm ready to spread my wings and go to a place that's a little less superficial.

Grades are in. I officially made the dean's list half of the time I attended the University of Washington. This year is a great year for accomplishing life goals, and when I focus on my long list of things I want to conquer before I die, it makes me less terrified and I'm content to accept that what I'm feeling now will soon pass.

I discovered during finals week that I'm likely to get the autoimmune disease my father has (60% chance). It makes sense now why my family wanted me to stick with the job I had- great insurance, closer to home in case I came down with something, etc. At first I was bitter, angry, shocked, and depressed.. but we all get sick, we all crumble eventually, and we will all die. Worrying about something that may or may not affect me is stupid. It just solidifies my promise to myself to shed my college pounds, to build up strong muscles to support my joints, and to consume large amounts of antioxidants- all things I need to do anyway.

Perhaps it's my own misplaced views of self-importance, but I have never really felt like I've belonged anywhere. I make very few friends (I'm not seeking to insult, but there's a huge difference between friendly acquaintances and actual friends), and at this stage in my life it's getting a little rough to feel this alone most of the time.

As a result, whenever I'm unhappy or stressed, all I can think about is simply cutting ties from the people who are around me. I want to push everyone away, to piss off the people who might care about me the most and pack up my stuff and leave. I don't really care where I go, as it's going to be the same situation no matter where I land. This time, I don't want to do this... but I can't help but daydream about starting my life all over in another area. I have until now and the time I sign my rental agreement to figure out what I want to do.

What makes it even harder is knowing that I could send an email and have a round-trip ticket sent to me in a matter of a week, and after that I could be on the other side of the world in a matter of days. I guess it's good to have connections... On the other hand, it's making settling down here so much harder.

I guess in the end I just have to take a good look at myself and figure out what I want out of life. I have love, and it's such a rare and elusive thing that I want to bind myself to its beauty... but on the other hand I miss getting on an airplane by myself and knowing that an entirely different world, culture, way of life, a place where I can start all over again, is waiting....

Perhaps it's because I feel that I've wasted a large majority of my life. Perhaps it's due to the fact that I'm scared to death of being in love... Just thinking that someone might love me makes me panic.

Perhaps I'm just tired of hating myself.